Hi there
What do you need right now?
Not feeling safe?
One topic per session. A second issue that comes up gets noted for later.
Only one person speaks at a time. When the Speaker's done, tap to pass the floor.
This isn't building toward a decision — it's not supposed to. Keep passing the floor until whoever raised the topic feels genuinely, accurately understood. That paraphrase landing is the finish line, not a fix.
From there, two ways it can go:
Optional — keeps a record without jumping over to the Journal.
Before you close, each of you says the other's request back in one line.
Set these up once, together. Change them any time.
Agree on these together, in a calm moment — not mid-disagreement. Tap a suggestion or write your own.
The words either of you can say to move from ordinary talk into a turn. Pick it together.
Every piece below is optional — include what this conversation needs, skip the rest. Talking about your own experience, instead of your partner's character, is what keeps the listener from going defensive.
Some moments call for a check-in, some don't — and it can come before you share or after. Pick what fits this one.
"I feel like…" or "I feel that…" is usually a thought wearing a feeling's clothes — "I feel like you don't care" is a judgment, not a feeling. Swap "feel" for "think"; if the sentence still makes sense, go back and use an actual feeling word.
| Instead of… | Try… |
|---|---|
| "You never help around the house." | "I feel overwhelmed when the chores pile up because I end up doing them alone. I'd like us to split the list." |
| "You're always on your phone." | "I feel unheard when a notification pulls your attention mid-conversation. I'd like your phone put away for our check-ins." |
| "You never plan anything." | "I feel discouraged when weekends go by with no plan. I'd like us to trade off picking what we do together." |
The technique is easiest to learn on easy material first. Hand over the floor and pick one.
Use it together, or on your own first: fill in steps 1 to 4 before you bring something up. Your draft stays on this device until you start over, and you can save it to the Journal from the last screen.
Two quick questions — we'll point you to the right spot.
Skip the full Wheel — just reflect back what you heard.
Then ask: "Did I get that right? Is there anything else?" Let them correct or add before you respond.
When several topics come out together, split them apart instead of tackling all of them at once. Each one saves to the Journal on its own.
Pick a line, copy it, and send it — this runs on your device only, so getting it to your partner is on you.
Either person can call this, any time — no permission needed.
Not feeling safe?
Point to the agreement, not the person — enforced the same way for both of you, every time.
Right after a therapy session, a family visit, or a hard day. About ten minutes, before either of you starts planning.
A recurring, low-stakes ritual — separate from conflict. Set a date; the app nudges you when it's due.
A quick read, not a scoreboard — no streaks, no percentages.
Needs to come back to
Every topic that's come up, saved here — update its status any time.
Everything you save lives only on this device. Save a backup file now and then (after any session worth keeping is a good habit) and keep it somewhere safe, like your email or cloud drive. Importing adds to what's already here — it won't erase anything.
On iPhone: add this app to your home screen and open it from there. If you only use it in Safari, iPhones can erase what you've saved here after about a week of not opening it.
Hard moments don't wait while you find a website. Add this app to your home screen and it's one tap from your lock screen. It also works without internet, and on iPhone it keeps what you've saved from being cleared.
You're using the home-screen app. You're all set.
These tools are for two people who feel safe with each other. If you're afraid of your partner, or a conversation could turn into threats or harm, don't use the app to push through it. Reach out to someone instead.
Outside the US, contact your local emergency number. Anything saved in this app can be read by anyone who uses this phone, so if that isn't safe, don't write it here. This app is a communication tool, not counseling or therapy.
Something confusing, broken, or missing? Tell us. The form opens in a new tab and includes only the app's version number, nothing you've typed here.
Please don't paste journal entries or anything private into the form. Describe what happened instead.
The feedback form isn't set up yet.
Structure for conversations that are charged, sensitive, or have escalated before — not a replacement for normal conversation.
Use it when the topic is loaded, when you notice you're talking past each other, or when either person calls a time-out. Skip it for quick logistics or conversations that are already going fine.
What it's not for: catching someone in a wrong answer, proving a point, or enforcing correct phrasing on the other person. Used that way, it stops being a listening tool and becomes a weapon.
The tools aren't independent — they're stages, plus two toolkits.
Speaker — holds the floor. Speaks for themselves, in short chunks, "I" not "you." Owns being clear — not the burden of guessing what the Listener secretly wants to hear.
Listener — sets their own view aside for the moment. Job is exactly two things: reflect back what was heard, and acknowledge something they can own. Not their job: correcting the Speaker's format or deciding an answer is "wrong."
Whoever wants to say something new has to hold the floor to say it. If you're paraphrasing, you're the Listener in that moment — not building your next point.
I statement: "I feel [emotion] when [situation] because [effect]. I'd like [request]."
X-Y-Z: "In situation X, when Y happened, I felt Z." Clearer than a general complaint, easier to hear than a "you" statement.
How this tends to go best, for whoever you're introducing it to.
Agree on these in a calm moment, not mid-disagreement — build your own list in the Speaker-Listener tab.
Agreeing to it: propose rules in a calm, connected moment — never right after a blowup, which reads as "here's what you need to fix." Each person proposes at least one, so it's mutual. Start with two or three; add more once those are actually working.
Bringing it up in the moment: describe what's happening instead of accusing — "I notice we're both talking at once" lands differently than "you're not letting me finish." Point to the agreement, not your preference: "we said we'd paraphrase before responding — can we do that here?" Tone still matters more than being technically right; a rule reminder delivered sharply just becomes a new thing to fight about.
Enforcing it caringly: apply it evenly, to both people, every time — the moment a rule only ever gets invoked on one partner, it stops being a shared tool and becomes a weapon. Enforce the rule, not the person: "we agreed to X," not "you always do this." Let it go outside an actual structured conversation. Treat a broken rule as information first — tired, distracted, still building the habit — before correction. Revisit the rules together occasionally; a rule that keeps breaking often needs adjusting, not harder enforcement.
Tap a symptom for the fix.
The Listener skipped the paraphrase and jumped to their own point. Say: "I don't think that landed — can you reflect back what I said first?" No new content without it.
A new issue got raised mid-turn instead of parked. Note it and say "that matters, let's park it — we're still on X." Don't move on until the current topic finishes all four Speaker steps.
Escalation is being treated as information instead of noise. Agree on a neutral time-out word beforehand — either person can call it, regardless of who's more upset.
"This is what happened" and "what I made up about it" are running together. Redirect: "that sounds like the 'what I made up' part — can we back up to just what happened?"
"Dismissed," "belittled," and "ignored" describe what someone thinks the other person did. Put that in "What I made up," and name the feeling underneath: hurt, lonely, embarrassed. The I statements tab and the Wheel both flag these as you type.
Whoever calls it listens first, every time. That's what keeps it from being a way to win the point. If it still lands badly, check your tone, and revisit the phrase together in a calm moment.
Someone's asking questions with no paraphrase requirement in between. Name the mode: "Are we doing a formal turn, or just talking? If formal, one of us states — the other paraphrases before following up."
Answering what was literally asked is being treated as a failure. Say: "I answered exactly what you asked. If that's not what you meant, that's a clarity gap, not me getting it wrong — what's the actual question?"
The tool is being invoked selectively, as a correction device. Ask: "Are we in a formal turn right now? If not, the technique's rules don't apply." This should work the same for both people, every time.
Most conversation doesn't need the full structure — these run in the background all the time.